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SUHAKAM To Have New Commissioners
By tv3

26/8/2001 8:03 pm Sun

Assalamualaikum Selamat Sejahtera

Semua Pejuang REFORMASI

Breaking News from the newsroom of tv3:

The Barisan Najis government, weary of SUHAKAM's perpetual "western" thinking have begun head hunting for a new set of commissioners for the Parliament enacted Human Rights Panel. A spokesman of the P***M**'s Department who spoke to tv3 on condition of anonyminity, gave the initial list of potential candidates, as follows:

  1. Abdul Rahim Thambi Chik, is set to head the commission and his nomination, ferociously backed by CT Hasmah (who he calls "mummy") is a foregone conclusion. In its citation, Rahim tops the list based on his firm conviction that, "If it wears a skirt and is HUMAN, then it must be RIGHT!"

  2. Eusuff Chin, it is felt, was not given the chance to realise his full potential when he reached compulsory retirement age. Eusuff is handed the task of creating excuses for any blatant violation of human rights (which cannot be hidden from the public). His boss expects him to declare that these violations are "Accidental violations", not unlike his "Accidental meeting" with a lawyer in New Zealand.

  3. Rahim (Rocky) Nor, one of the favourite candidate for the post of Chairperson of the commission. His reputation is world-reknowned. The regime is very comfortable and confident of Rocky. They are confident that even if Tan Sri Mamai beat the daylights of the reformasi demonstrators, Rocky can be counted on to face the press and assuring the world that, "The demonstrators are all safe and sound." With his assurance, the whole world is expected to believe the government's official account of events.

  4. Ibrahim al-Kataki, was chosen for his long tongue. Being of the "toad" species, nature has provided Brahim with a long lashing tongue. Brahim uses this tongue to good use by licking his boss's every secretion, and from every opening! The quickness of the "lash" ensures that none of the secretion has the chance to reach the ground.

  5. Yusuf Yess, would never have been considered, had it not been for two factors, namely, that he changed his name from "NO" to "YESS", and that someone highly "intelligent" and highly "respected" (Terengganu born) is deemed necessary to monitor the state government's atrocious human rights records, particularly the banning of gambling and consumption of alchohol by the Muslims in the state.

  6. Eric Chia, is on the list of the new commisioners to add an element of gangsterism in the comission. As they say, it takes a thief to catch a thief. In circumstances where the commission need to look at human rights violation, it will be weighed from the point of view of the culture of gangsters. Where it does not contravene this culture, the Commission is then obliged to declare that there has been no violation.

  7. Astora Jahat is the obvious choice to handle the Islamic angle of human rights violation. The govenrment has announced that Yusuf Qardhawi often refer to Astora in matters he cannot find the solution for. Astora is acclaimed (albeit only by JAKIM and IKIM), to be an authority on opinions (Islamic terminology,Ijtihad). They acclaim his "fatwas" as, "Very dynamic and pragmatic!" When critics condem the treatment of the Rakyat a 'la the pharoahs of ancient Egypt, Astora will neutralise such criticisms with a "fatwa" like, that there also were "Good pharoahs."

  8. Said Awang, the ex-SB Chief is also on the list. He is an easy choice by virtue of the fact that he will, without any qualm, "Lie for my boss when asked to do so." Said has also been credited by leaving a legacy of super efficent SB unit, that one stroke of the pen has resolved the cases of the murder of a politician, the bombing of churches and temples and all bank and pawn shop robberies.

  9. Haniff Omar is another ex policeman opted into the new commission. Critics say that there are one too many ex policeman chosen. But the government is quick to respond that these critics are "a threat to national security". The IGP (Tan Sri Mamai) was quick to add that "The west are jealous of our record." He also confirmed that a group of 200 senior officers from the Italian police will be arriving over the next week, in order to "Study closely and see first hand, how the PDrM has been so successful in upkeeping its excellent human rights record!" (according to Asian values, that is).

  10. VK Lingam makes the list having established his reputation as a human rights lawyer. He believes that Chief Justices are humans. It follows therefore, that it is his right (the Chief Justice) to enjoy an all expenses paid holiday. The fact that it is the Chief Justice is "irrelevant". What is important according to his argument is, the Chief Justice is human!

  11. Azizan Abu Bakar, was selected to represent the "man in the street", the ordinary peace-loving Malaysian. His choice was helped in no small way by the description of his character (by a Joker), as being as "steady as the Rock of Gibraltar". He is described as "ordinary" by the government because he is a self-confessed adulterer, and could not make up his mind whether or not he was scr**ed from behind. The government is convinced that an extraordinary Malaysian will NOT confess to adultery and will know for sure whether or not he was scr**ed from behind.

  12. Umi Hafilda Mohd Ali, impressed with her committment towards "Ugama, Bangsa dan Negara." (her declared reasons why she HAD to "expose" DSAI). She is very comitted to human rights, especially of the female gender. For example, she firmly believes that it is her right to be a VIRGIN even tho' Baginda gave evidence (under oath) in court that she had been "balled" by him. She never refuted the sworn testimony because she strongly believes that it is "Baginda's right to ball anybody" (including herself)

  13. Tajudin bin Ramli, is roped in from a list of prominent Bumiputra businessmen who made it "big" under the government's Piratisation Policy. His sale of MAS shares at more than twice its market value was seen as a noble gesture of saving the employees who would have otherwise lost their jobs. Halim Saad would have occupied this last seat had it not been the fact that whilst Halim is still trying to sell his "prized" assets at double the market price, Tajudin had his deal done.

The list is by no means final. tv3 has been informed by the same source that there is currently intense lobbying going on for a place in the prestigous Commission. Unconfirmed sources say that trips to Hadyaai, Sonkla and Koh Sumui are being organised and sponsored. Some other names mentioned are Musa Hassan, Rodhwan, Amir Junus, Wan Mokhtar, Dusuki Ahmad, Aziz Shamsuddin, and ohhhh, Augustine Paul. They are not currently considered as they still hold government positions. And the government is very careful not to select them as it insists that the Commission must be impartial and transparent. Of course, these ppeople will have to stand up to the scrutiny of the imperial pharoah, without which, NOTHING moves.

tv3 will continue with the Breaking News as they become available.

Penipuan Terkini, Fitnah Sensasi.